Extra Rude Jokes (be warned!)

[chrisbis]

So I popped in to our local Pharmacy yesterday,
And I said to the old lady behind the counter

"Two packets of large condoms please Miss"...........

and she replies-

"Don't U MISS ME!!#!!"

so i said-

"Okay then Miss, make that three packets!!!"

[flukey luke]

A guy checks into a hotel in London while on a business trip and feels a bit lonely.

He thinks of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He pops into a phone booth in Spencer Street near the hotel and finds an ad for a girl calling herself Bernadette, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She has all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs......

He copies the phone number and returns to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says..

Golly she sounds sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is hard, dirty sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, bang me up the Gary with a strap on, anything you want!

"Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, sir, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

[flukey luke]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small
knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up
her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the
woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful-the woman remained
young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn
the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my
eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.

"The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........!"

[ThomasGrant]

Cooter and Gomer.

[attachimg=1]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.  You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

   So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
  Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
  Roll him over.'
  The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
  Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
  'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
  'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

[chrisbis]

A Horny Koala Bear pickers up a hooker in the city.

They make for the out for hours.

He goes down on her several times, and they both have a really good time.

After they are finished, the Koala dusts himself off, and turns tail, heading for home.

"HEY", shouts the hooker.............. " Where's My F###ing Money Koala Bear?"

The Koala stops, turns towards her and shrugs his shoulders.

"Just wait a darn-gon minute" the hooker screams, and she reaches for a dictionary.

She looks up the word 'Hooker', and then shows the bear the page entry.

It says.................... 'Hooker............. gets paid for sex'
.
.
.
The Koala smiles at the hooker, takes the dictionary, and paws through it till
he finds the entry he wants............ and shows it to the waiting tart.

It reads ..................'Koala Bear...................... eats bush and leaves'

[attachimg=#]

[ThomasGrant]

eats bush and leaves'

The wombat...

Eats, Roots and leaves.

[chrisbis]

Two chaps of Irish persuasion are

visiting the fun-fair for the day.

Patrick says to Paddy as he's looking up at the giant roller-coaster

"Hey Pad, when we's get to the top of the ride,

and it turns upside down, do U think we'll fall out?"

..........

Paddy replies......."Nor, I don't thinks so Patrick,.....we've been friends for Years!"

[Big EZ]

If these are to out of line I apologize in advance

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle,

[chrisbis]

MODERN PARENTS EH!

A schoolgirl says- " Mummy, I know where babies come from!"

Mum replies casually- "Where's that then darling?"

Girl knowingly replies back-
"Well,  Mummy and Daddy take their clothes off,
and Daddies thingy sort of sticks out,
and Mummy then puts it into her mouth, and sucks it".." ...and that's how babies are made!"

Shaking her head, Mum says-

" Oh darling, that's so sweet of you,.........

but that's not how we get babies honey,

that's how we get flowers, clothes, shoes, jewellery

and all the decorating done!"

[chrisbis]

Christmas Joke.

How do U know Santa is a man?

• He turns up drunk
• Drinks Ur booze
• Empties his sack
• Only comes once
• He's gone before U wake up!

Merry Christmas everyone- looking forward to Santa coming now eh?

[chrisbis]

Tame Joke.

Young chap goes to his local barbers for a hair cut.

He sits down in the barbers chair, gets covered in the usual gown, and the barber
starts with questioning.

"Well Sir, How would Sir like his hair today?"

The chaps pause's for a second and says;-

"Actually, what I'd like today, is, on the left hand side of my head, I'd like it all layered, with multiple cuts that are really not even, all-sorts of lengths of hair, starting long at the front, getting ridiculous towards the back"

The Barber looks at him in disbelief, but before he could utter a word, the young man continues........

" Then, in the middle, I want a parting, that's not straight, and starts over my left eye, and finishes above my right eye"

And just as the barber was about to turn the chap around- the young man spouted up,;-

"And over the right side of my head, I want all my hair looking messy, dishevelled, and unkempt!"

The barber meets the chaps eye's in the mirror with his own, and firmly says-

"Oh no Sir, there's no way we could do that sort of cut on U !"


"Well........." says the young man - "How come U were able to cut it like that last time I came here then eh? ?"

[VLS]

"How come you were able to cut it like that last time I came here then eh? ?"

[chrisbis]

The Lone Ranger gets captured by Indians.

Indian Chef says;-
"I will kill U in 3 days Lone Ranger,
but I will allow U 3 wishes;-
What is Ur first wish?"

LR replies:- "I'd like to speak my horse before I decide"

Chef nods, and the LR whispers in Silver's ear.

Silver gallops off, and comes back with  a
beautiful brunette, who spends the night with Lone.

Next day, Chef says:- "I'm impressed, what is Ur second wish?"

LR wants to talk to Silver for a 2ND time.

He whispers in his ear, and Silver, once again,
gallops off, this time returning with a blonde even
more lovely than the last girl.

She too spends the  night with Lone.


The next day, the Chef speaks again:-

"You got style Lone Ranger,
But tomorrow U will die.
What is Ur last request?"

Lone Ranger beckons his horse over again.

Silver bows his head ready
for his masters next instruction.

Lone pins back the horse's ear's and says as he looks his trusty friend square in the eye:-

"Get this right this time U Cloth Eared TWAT,
..
.
.
.
.
BRING POSSE!"

[ewarwoowar]

hahahahahaha!

i don't get it chris.

i mean, i get the joke, i just don't get all that pu........

you know what i mean!!

[chrisbis]

Forwarded email jokes. Reasonable. Enjoy

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
from a Guys point of view...


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said,  â€œI didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’

Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’

The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’
___________________________________________

Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.’

‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on  you.’

The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.’
___________________________________________

Two = Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck murder:

1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?’

The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’

‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’

Joe: “Really?’

Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in hell.’
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

‘I’m O. K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.

‘What did he say,’ asked =he nurse.

‘Oops!’
_________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.

‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’

‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’

He’s still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,

‘Well, she’s there.’