My Nan left me a tidy sum of money when she died.
I get it via installments down at the post office.
Which after you factor in the cost of air fresheners and bug spray still leaves me £110 each week.
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"You seem troubled," the Barman asked as he poured me another drink "What's up ?"
"It's my wife " I confessed "She's gone right off sex since our son died"
"Sorry to hear that," he replied "When did he pass away ?"
"Last night"
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I jumped out of my daughter's wardrobe wearing a Halloween mask to scare her.
She screamed, "Fcuking hell, Dad. What the fcuk are you doing?"
"Alright, calm down", I laughed. "At least I let your boyfriend finish off first"
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This morning some fit blonde asked for my seat on the bus so I replied, "There's no chance in hell I'm getting up love."
"Why, is it because I'm not pregnant?"
"No love, it's because this is a wheelchair."
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Said to my wife this morning "I never thought i'd see the day when our little girl had a larger bra size than you!"
Which on reflection probably wasn`t the best thing to say, as they wheeled her back into the ward after a double mastectomy.
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My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.
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Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?'
Little girl replies 'Big c***s and vodka'.
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