Take a deep breath before looking at some of these.
All supplied by Mr Chrisbis Senior. (Dad)
U have been warned.
Remember Robby Robot in *Lost In Space*>>>
Warning,
Warning,
Warning...........
(go on then---- someone post a picture of the old metal tin-can!!!!
There Was a Young Woman Named Joan
Who Went to the Dentist Alone
But in His Depravity
He Filled the Wrong Cavity
Now She's Nursing the Filling at Home.
Sorry Chris I had to remove that last one, it was a little too gross.
Obviously its subjective, but I made a call.
Maybe not so rude plz :)
Ok. i trust u didn't put it in the recycle bin!!
Lord knows what might happen to it in there!
Just to be more accurate about the title, would u (for me) alter the title of the Topic
by putting a score thro through the word Extra?
It will stop members expecting overlyrude jokes.
i have many gems, not as rude as that last one.
Some very old, like my father :D
its prob the worst, and my mother always, always cringes at the *key* word.
poor mum. :(
thanx for the moderation. :thumbsup:
Little doggy story.
A bulldog and an alsatian chatting in the vet's waiting room.
Alsatian; What are you here for mate?
Bulldog; I'm afraid it's curtains for me. I've been after this postman for a while and this morning I was waiting just under the letter box when he popped his hand through with a postcard. managed to grab the barsteward, bit two of his fingers off and chewed them for breakfast. He's only gone and got the police and they've threatened to prosecute unless they do away with me so it looks like that's it for me. What about you?
Alsatian; Well I've always fancied my mistress a bit and this morning she came out of the shower all lovely and clean like, and was leaning over the bed and I just couldn't resist it. Went for it big style - gave her a good doggy rogering.
Bulldog; So that's you in the same boat as me is it, you're for the big needle as well are you?
Alsatian; No, I'm just here to have my nails clipped.
Nice one luke.
This joke so reminds me of Brain from Family Guy. ;D
A woman weightlifter goes to the doctors and says:
"I've been taking these steroids,
and now I've grown a cox"
The doctor asks;>
"Anabolic?"
The woman says, "No...... just a cox!" :P
On hearing that her elderly Grandfather has past away,
Katie went to visit her remaining 98 year old Grandmother.
When she asked how he had died, Gran replied;
"He had a heart attack during Sunday morning love making."
Katie was aghast that her Grandparents were still have sex
and risking their lives.
"We do it to the church bells every Sunday" Gran continued,
"In on the ding, and out on the dong".
Her Grandmother paused, and she wiped away a tear that ran down her sad face.
"He would still be here today, Ur Grandfather,
If that bloody ice cream van had not come along!" :xd:
There is a space shuttle on a mission to the moon with two monkeys and a woman on board.
A message comes in from Nasa:
"Monkey number one, Monkey number one, come to the television screen"
He is given instructions to release the pressure in compartment one, increase the temperature in engine four, and to release oxygen to the reactors.
Soon after the control centre calls again:
"Monkey number two, Monkey number two, come to the television screen"
He is given instructions to add carbon dioxide to room two, to stop the fuel injection to engine five and to analyse the solar radiation.
A bit later, the annoucement comes up:
"Woman please, woman come to the television screen"
"Yeah, I know, no need to tell me, feed the monkeys and don't touch anything!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man dies and goes to hell. As he is sitting around feeling sorry for himself, he meets a Demon.
"Why are you so gloomy, mate"
"Why do you think, I'm in Hell"
"Oh, Hell isn't that bad now, actually we have a lot of fun. Do you drink?"
"Yes, I like a drink"
"Great, your gonna love Mondays. Whisky, vodka, tequila, rum, you name it, we drink until we throw up, and it doesn't matter cos we're already dead!!"
"Sounds like fun. What about Tuesdays"
"Do you smoke"
"Sure"
"Terrific, you are going to have a great time. We have the finest cigars delivered and puff our lungs out, and we don't have to worry about getting cancer either!"
"This is sounding great"
"You haven't heard about Wednesdays yet" Drugs - Crack, Smack, heroin, we do the lot! Overdose - who cares!"
"Just one other thing - I really like to gamble. I don't suppose..."
"That is an amazing co-incedence. Thursday we have a blowout, craps, roulette, blackjack, poker...if you go bust tell your creditors to see the grim reaper!"
"I never knew hell was such a cool place!"
"Yup, sure is. Just one thing - are you gay"
"God no"
"Oh dear, you are not going to like Fridays........"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and she can frequently be found speeding around in the old people's home. She is one sandwich short of a picnic, so the other residents humour her.
One day she is going down the corridor in the main hall, and Clarence steps out from the kitchen. "Stop! Have you got a licence for that?" Ethel fishes in her handbag and pulls out a Kit Kat wrapper" "That's fine madam, carry on"
She is going through the lounge, and Harold appears from behind a sofa. "Stop! I need to see proof of insurance" Ethel looks in her handbag and gets out a coffee mat. "Ok, you may continue!"
As Ethel goes past the front door, Craig steps out from the study completely naked, and with a rather large erect pen1s in his hand!
"Oh stuff, not the breathalyser again!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man died and was sent to hell.
He was told hell management introduced some improvements and now each newcomer would choose the torture which suited the best for him. Kind of choosing the better among the worst.
So he was shown Torture #1:
In a dark dungeon there was a man being spanked with some heavy chains.
He says to the devil:
- Show me the next one please.
Torture #2:
Next room, there was a man hanged from his arms, being spanked with an iron-claw whip, leaving deep wounds on the victim.
He shaked his head:
- Next one please.
Torture #3:
Finally they stepped into the sexual torture room. There was another man, tied to the wall, totally naked. This time the man had some ââ,¬Å"expressionââ,¬Â on his face which resembled pain, but not quiteââ,¬Â¦
ââ,¬Â¦There was a sculptural blond woman sucking his manhood.
As soon as the newcomer saw this he said with a smile:
- It is here, this is what I want Mr. Devil. Being sexually tortured for all the eternity. Here is where I stop.
Devil asked:
ââ,¬Å"Ã,¿Are you sure? How do you think *that* will feel continuously within a thousand years nonstop?
Reminding the other torture rooms, the guy said:
- Yes, Iââ,¬â,,¢m sure. This is where I stop.
Ok, says the devil.
They walk to the wall, he gets naked and the devil says to the blond woman: "Your replacement is here".
Nice jokes guys! :thumbsup:
Quote from: VLS on Nov 01, 05:22 PM 2010
A man died and was sent to hell.
He was told hell management introduced some improvements and now each newcomer would choose the torture which suited the best for him. Kind of choosing the better among the worst.
So he was shown Torture #1:
In a dark dungeon there was a man being spanked with some heavy chains.
He says to the devil:
- Show me the next one please.
Torture #2:
Next room, there was a man hanged from his arms, being spanked with an iron-claw whip, leaving deep wounds on the victim.
He shaked his head:
- Next one please.
Torture #3:
Finally they stepped into the sexual torture room. There was another man, tied to the wall, totally naked. This time the man had some ââ,¬Å"expressionââ,¬Â on his face which resembled pain, but not quiteââ,¬Â¦
ââ,¬Â¦There was a sculptural blond woman sucking his manhood.
As soon as the newcomer saw this he said with a smile:
- It is here, this is what I want Mr. Devil. Being sexually tortured for all the eternity. Here is where I stop.
Devil asked:
ââ,¬Å"Ã,¿Are you sure? How do you think *that* will feel continuously within a thousand years nonstop?
Reminding the other torture rooms, the guy said:
- Yes, Iââ,¬â,,¢m sure. This is where I stop.
Ok, says the devil.
They walk to the wall, he gets naked and the devil says to the blond woman: "Your replacement is here".
HA HA ! Funny sh!t :D
Seasonal Joke for the UK, and everyone knows the history of the UK right?
>>>>
The Boy Stood On The Burning Deck,
With A Pocket Full Of Crackers.
A Spark Flew Up His Trouser Leg,-
And Blew Off Half His Knackers.
>>>>
Do hope its gets through naughty word check!
As the men were preparing for their flight
to the drop zone, the Parachute instructor
took them through the last minute plans.
"OK men, he's the drill"
"As soon as the green light appears at the jump
door, that's our signal to go"
"Line up, single file and attach the drag cord to the overhead
cable, and give it a good tug!"
"The cable will automatically pull your chute as u exit
the airplane"
" If this cable tug fails, Ur reserve chute
will deploy between 500 and 10 feet and u set down to the drop zone"
A green faced trooper mid way down the fuselage pipes up
a nervous question.......
"What happens if the reserve chute doesn't open?"
The stern faced instructor leans right over into the young man's face,
& sharply says......................
"Well U can faking jump 10 feet can't You"!!
My straight laced sister, from London Village,
(small place in the south of England, i beleive)
has just texted me this joke, so BLAME her if u are offended!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I found my dyslexic mate
covering his penis with boot
polish at 1am on Sunday morning.
"No" I said?---- "Your a bloody iidiot"
"I told U to turn your clock back!"
So I popped in to our local Pharmacy yesterday,
And I said to the old lady behind the counter
"Two packets of large condoms please Miss"...........
and she replies-
"Don't U MISS ME!!#!!"
so i said-
"Okay then Miss, make that three packets!!!"
A guy checks into a hotel in London while on a business trip and feels a bit lonely.
He thinks of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He pops into a phone booth in Spencer Street near the hotel and finds an ad for a girl calling herself Bernadette, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She has all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs......
He copies the phone number and returns to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says..
Golly she sounds sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is hard, dirty sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, bang me up the Gary with a strap on, anything you want!
"Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, sir, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small
knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up
her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the
woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful-the woman remained
young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn
the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my
eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.
"The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts."
She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........!"
Cooter and Gomer.
[attachimg=1]
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
A Horny Koala Bear pickers up a hooker in the city.
They make for the out for hours.
He goes down on her several times, and they both have a really good time.
After they are finished, the Koala dusts himself off, and turns tail, heading for home.
"HEY", shouts the hooker.............. " Where's My F###ing Money Koala Bear?"
The Koala stops, turns towards her and shrugs his shoulders.
"Just wait a darn-gon minute" the hooker screams, and she reaches for a dictionary.
She looks up the word 'Hooker', and then shows the bear the page entry.
It says.................... 'Hooker............. gets paid for sex'
.
.
.
The Koala smiles at the hooker, takes the dictionary, and paws through it till
he finds the entry he wants............ and shows it to the waiting tart.
It reads ..................'Koala Bear...................... eats bush and leaves'
[attachimg=#]
Quoteeats bush and leaves'
The wombat...
Eats, Roots and leaves.
Two chaps of Irish persuasion are
visiting the fun-fair for the day.
Patrick says to Paddy as he's looking up at the giant roller-coaster
"Hey Pad, when we's get to the top of the ride,
and it turns upside down, do U think we'll fall out?"
..........
Paddy replies......."Nor, I don't thinks so Patrick,.....we've been friends for Years!"
If these are to out of line I apologize in advance
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle,
MODERN PARENTS EH!
A schoolgirl says- " Mummy, I know where babies come from!"
Mum replies casually- "Where's that then darling?"
Girl knowingly replies back-
"Well, Mummy and Daddy take their clothes off,
and Daddies thingy sort of sticks out,
and Mummy then puts it into her mouth, and sucks it".." ...and that's how babies are made!"
Shaking her head, Mum says-
" Oh darling, that's so sweet of you,.........
but that's not how we get babies honey,
that's how we get flowers, clothes, shoes, jewellery
and all the decorating done!"
Christmas Joke.
How do U know Santa is a man?
- He turns up drunk
- Drinks Ur booze
- Empties his sack
- Only comes once
- He's gone before U wake up!
Merry Christmas everyone- looking forward to Santa coming now eh?
Tame Joke.
Young chap goes to his local barbers for a hair cut.
He sits down in the barbers chair, gets covered in the usual gown, and the barber
starts with questioning.
"Well Sir, How would Sir like his hair today?"
The chaps pause's for a second and says;-
"Actually, what I'd like today, is, on the left hand side of my head, I'd like it all layered, with multiple cuts that are really not even, all-sorts of lengths of hair, starting long at the front, getting ridiculous towards the back"
The Barber looks at him in disbelief, but before he could utter a word, the young man continues........
" Then, in the middle, I want a parting, that's not straight, and starts over my left eye, and finishes above my right eye"
And just as the barber was about to turn the chap around- the young man spouted up,;-
"And over the right side of my head, I want all my hair looking messy, dishevelled, and unkempt!"
The barber meets the chaps eye's in the mirror with his own, and firmly says-
"Oh no Sir, there's no way we could do that sort of cut on U !"
"Well........." says the young man - "How come U were able to cut it like that last time I came here then eh? ?"
Quote from: chrisbis on Dec 18, 07:11 PM 2010
"How come you were able to cut it like that last time I came here then eh? ?"
(link:://img502.imageshack.us/img502/5801/lolsmileyface.png)
The Lone Ranger gets captured by Indians.
Indian Chef says;-
"I will kill U in 3 days Lone Ranger,
but I will allow U 3 wishes;-
What is Ur first wish?"
LR replies:- "I'd like to speak my horse before I decide"
Chef nods, and the LR whispers in Silver's ear.
Silver gallops off, and comes back with a
beautiful brunette, who spends the night with Lone.
Next day, Chef says:- "I'm impressed, what is Ur second wish?"
LR wants to talk to Silver for a 2ND time.
He whispers in his ear, and Silver, once again,
gallops off, this time returning with a blonde even
more lovely than the last girl.
She too spends the night with Lone.
The next day, the Chef speaks again:-
"You got style Lone Ranger,
But tomorrow U will die.
What is Ur last request?"
Lone Ranger beckons his horse over again.
Silver bows his head ready
for his masters next instruction.
Lone pins back the horse's ear's and says as he looks his trusty friend square in the eye:-
"Get this right this time U Cloth Eared TWAT,
..
.
.
.
.
BRING POSSE!"
hahahahahaha!
i don't get it chris.
i mean, i get the joke, i just don't get all that pu........
you know what i mean!!
Forwarded email jokes. Reasonable. Enjoy
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
from a Guys point of view...
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’
Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’
___________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’
The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’
___________________________________________
Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.’
‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’
‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
___________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.’
___________________________________________
Two = Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?’
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’
‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________
Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’
Joe: “Really?’
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in hell.’
___________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
‘I’m O. K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.
‘What did he say,’ asked =he nurse.
‘Oops!’
_________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.
‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’
‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’
He’s still in intensive care.
___________________________________________
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
‘Well, she’s there.’
*The Male Cycle *
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big
tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no
passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too
emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all
the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with
stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with
some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as
happy. She was
great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
lol :D
Nice one Ken :D
Excellent MrJ.
Reminds me of the next best invention that U "see", and then say to Urself:-
"I wish I had thought of that!"
great story/joke Ken. :xd:
If you think your lady can take a joke...try this one
Roses are RED,
Cucumbers are GREEN,
I love your legs........and what's between!!!
:-X
How unlucky is my sisters friend?
She has not had sex with a Man for 3 years,
for fear she could catch a disease!
Now she's just found out she has got E.Coli from a cucumber! :-X
My wife has been missing a week now. :(
And the police have said to prepare for the worst! :'(
[reveal]So I quickly ran round to the local charity shop,
and just managed to get ALL her clothes back!! :) :D[/reveal]
:D :D
lol, nice one Chrisbis