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Celebration Time!
This guy goes into a bar, sits down, and orders 12 Scotch & Sodas.

Not believing his ears, the Bartender says, "Did you say 12 Scotch & Sodas?"

"Yep," says the guy, "and I want all twelve now, right in a line."

"OK," says the bartender, and he serves them all up.

The customer proceeds to work his way down the line, one after another, till he finishes the very last one.

The bartender inquires, "Excuse me, but you must be having a celebration of some kind?"

"That's right, my very first blowjob!" says the customer.

Bartender, "Well, in that case, let me buy you one myself."

Customer, "No thanks, if the first 12 don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will do any good!"

The man with one testicle   The Man With One Testicle There once was a Man who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ? Oh, come on... take a guess !!! Think about it !!! You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

 :twisted: :twisted:

Nice one !!

Sexually Tired  
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

"I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.

"So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

Great joke AL.  :thumbsup:

Pregnant Daughter  
An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him. "You gonna try again..."

How about my Jokes guys? Not getting any comments.

I like that last one AL.

Very Indian!!

I think they've all been funny so far,,,nice one  :thumbsup:

How condoms are made?
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't."

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Quote from: albalaha on Nov 21, 03:48 AM 2010
How about my Jokes guys? Not getting any comments.

Uh, this is a roulette forum.

There's no need to comment on miscellaneous jokes and the like as they are transient in nature.

If I want jokes, I'll read a political forum.

AD

Dear Adulay,
             Offcourse, it is a rouletteforum but this section is necessary to relieve the stress of loss in a session and also when getting bore.  ;)

A good joke makes a day a brighter one!

Thanks albalaha  :) :thumbsup:

I was merely replying to Al's question on why there were no "replies" to his joke stuff.

It's a joke.  Read it, laugh, move on.   I really don't see the need to comment on a bit of humor but evidently Al needs people to reply to his cartoons.

Consider this my perpetual humorous post reply.

AD ( ;D)

Dear Adulay,
        You are so great that you can comment twice in a section but sarcastically only and not a bit of appreciation. You better avoid any comment upon my topics specially in humour section because you will take all the humour and feelgood factors away by ur acidic comments.

I think U achieved that accolade on this thread all by Ur self Albal.

He was merely commenting that this IS a Roulette Forum, not a joke forum,

so its upto the members of the forum whether they WANT to comment

on any particular subject, not upto the thread starter to bludgeon the readers into

replying/commenting.

By  making the suggestions that U have done in Ur last posting, Ur killing the messanger

here, (asking for comments, and then criticising the outcome), and thus risk

the thread, and its Author................... "BEING SENT TO COVENTRY"

The jokes by the way, are great, some I have not seen before, and will be printing them
off to show/tell to my parents at the weelend.  :thumbsup:

My father knows sooooooo many jokes and daft squibs.

i have told him many times, he should have been on the stage.....................just behind the fire curtain!!  HE HE  :wink:

Quote from: albalaha on Nov 22, 10:48 PM 2010
You are so great that you can comment twice in a section but sarcastically only and not a bit of appreciation.

Al,

  Is sarcasm not a form of humor?

  Do we physically have to appreciate your humor posts and acknowlege that fact to you, personally, in order for the joke to be funny?

  I think I'll just read it, chuckle a bit, and move on to my continued wait for the infamous King system to show up in my email box.

  AD (uh, that's a joke, son)   :P

 

Do not forget, I have a holy grail too besides King system. ;D

Birthday wish!!!  
A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was crying.
"What's wrong, miss? Are you ok?" he asked.
Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't it?"
The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad.
He said, "Make a wish and blow!"
She closed her eyes, and made her wish.
Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his c***, and started sucking on it.

Virginity Test

A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..'

The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'

The doctor replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you hit her head with the shovel.'

Smart monkey!
One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he spotted a monkey up in a tree.
He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down.
The monkey said, "If you tie yourself up I'll come down."
So the lion ties himself up, but as the monkey came down he started shaking.
The lion said, "Hey, monkey, you don't have to be scared! I'm not going to eat you; I'm tied up real tight."
"I know," said the monkey. "That's not why I'm shaking."
"So why are you shaking?" asked the lion.
"Well," said the monkey, "it's just that I've never had sex with a lion before."

I am still a virgin  A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded:"My first husband was a Sales Representqative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, `It`s gonna be great!`
My second husband was from Software Services, he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn`t get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, `Those who can, do; those who can`t, teach.`
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn`t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process, but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn`t sure wheather it was his job.
My eight husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, `I know I have the product. I`m just not sure how to position it.`
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was ... well, I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, and I know I`m going to get screwed." 

Very Good AL.

Due to my long casino trip I could not continue it. Now hope to be very regular.
Couple in Bed!
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first one says, "My answer is, there is no answer."

The second one says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The THIRD one says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.

HE GOT THE JOB!!!

Why do Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs?

So they don't get mistaken for lesbians... :o

Quote from: albalaha on Dec 30, 12:22 AM 2010
Due to my long casino trip I could not continue it. Now hope to be very regular.

Maybe consider LAXATIVE AL.!   :D

Dating Etiquettes  During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one, "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite! What about you Sam, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

Horny Bastard
A teacher wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?"

A little girl raised her hand.

"Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?"

"It's a cow, teacher."

"Very good, Janie," said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.

Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?"

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"

Perfect Penis!!!
A third grade teacher told her class, "Children, we are going to begin to study a little sex education. Tonight, girls, your first assignment will be to find out from your parents how to avoid getting pregnant. For you boys, your assignment will be to go home and find out what a penis is."

So little Johnny goes home and asks his father, "Daddy, what is a penis?"

The father pulls down his pants and points proudly saying, "Son, that is a perfect penis."

The next day, when Johnny gets to school, his best friend runs up to him on the playground and says to Johnny, "I forgot to find out what a penis is! What's a penis?"

Johnny tells him, "Come on."

So they both go into the boyââ,¬â,,¢s room and Johnny pulls down his pants.

He points down and says, "There, if that was a little smaller, it would be a perfect penis!"

First Night Shocker!
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.

On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber!"

Keep em comin Al  :D !